I had a jehovess witness come to the door the other day, i let him in i said sit ya'self down boy. Im making a cup of tea and ham sandwiches would you like some? He replied oh yes please. Right i said ill be back in a couple of minutes i came back with the tea and sandwiches, and said right Sir what would you like too talk about? I carn't remember iv'e never got this far before!!!

John had been onto his friend Bill for months to play this new club he'd joined, the most difficult greens in the county he boasted. Finally he relented.

All went well until the Par 3, 5th which had a very large green and Bill's tee shot had just edged onto the side. He faced not only several yards to the hole but a long swale that went diagonally across the green. "What the hell do I do with this John". "Just keep it low Bill, keep it low".

A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.
Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."

Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"

Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

A man meets a woman on the golf course, and they get along pretty well during the game. After the 18th, they head off to a hotel and soon after, they are right into it.

When they finished, he rolled over and reached for the phone. "who are you calling?" she asked. "Room service - I wouldn`t mind a drink."he said. "Greg Norman only asks for a drink after he has done it twice." she replied.

So, he drops the phone, hops on again and they are once more involved. He rolls off, and reaches for the phone again. "Who are you calling now?" "Room service - I`m a bit hungry." "Greg Norman only asks for food after he has done it THREE times" she said.

He looks a bit worried, but puts the phone down and manages to entertain her one more time. He rolls off and reaches once more for the phone. "Who are you calling NOW??!!" she asked. "Greg Norman - I want to find out what is par for this f***ing hole!!"