One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken in any case.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she call her doctor's surgery to enquire just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left nipple. Later that night....Mildred was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Holy Ghost, Jesus and God decide to have a day off and play golf. Holy Ghost steps on the tee with his silver driver, puts his silver ball on a silver tee and creams his drive 300yds. down the middle of the fairway. Jesus then gets on the tee with his golden driver, puts a gold ball on a gold tee and does the same as the Holy Ghost. God pulls his worn and battered old wooden driver from his bag, steps on the tee and puts a dirty, cut and scored ball on a broken wooden tee. He takes a mighty heave at the ball and slices it. Just then, an Eagle was flying by and caught the ball in it's beak and carried it towards the green, and dropped it 20 foot from the pin, whereupon a Hedgehog then pushed it with it's nose into the hole. Jesus then turned to God and said "Aw c'mon Dad it's only a !&*%^$£ friendly game!!!

Paddy and Sean were on the 8th green by the road at Romanby golf club when a funeral cortege passed by as they were about to play. Paddy removed his cap bowed his head and stood in reverence as the cortege passed by.
Sean remarked to Paddy as the procession passed, I didn’t know you were that religious Paddy??
I’m not replied Paddy but I lived with her for 36 years so you have to show a little respect, dont you.

There are three golfers on the range being taught by the Pro, the 1st golfer hits the ball and slices it, the Pro said LOFT the second golfer hits the ball and hooks it, the pro said LOFT and the third tops his shot and the Pro said LOFT and then the third golfer said does LOFT mean hitting the ball in the air. The Pro said no it means " Lack Of Fthing Talent".